Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
