my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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