They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
