Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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