How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize