Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
