I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
