Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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