I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
