If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
