tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
