3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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