Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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