Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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