I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
