Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
