I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
