come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
