Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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