shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
