my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He's a Shit stain on my heart
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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