I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
