Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
