he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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