....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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