woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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