Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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