And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
