Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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