Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
