my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
don't judge my taste in strippers
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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