do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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