The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
