i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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