My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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