I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
