im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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