pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
