What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
