look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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