I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
