Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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