my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
