Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
