My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
