I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
