you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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