She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
