allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
