ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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