is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
