On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
