so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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