He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
