how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
you made out with another girl for some wings
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
