So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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