There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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