Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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