a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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