I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she looked like the before picture.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I need to calm my uterus...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
