I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
